In Love With Me, At 43

Good September, my sweet little kittens…

Today is a day of GRAND appreciation…I’m turning 43 today and oh, has the Lord blessed me!

Me at 3 with a cake of Wonder Woman that my mother had made. To this day, I love this icon. Can’t believe this was not only taken 40 years ago, but that I can also see my nearly 3yr old daughter staring back at me.

I would like to say that this day is all about me…but that’s not only untrue, it is unwanted. I can choose to take any day solely for myself, so this day, I choose to engulf myself in the thoughts, sentiments and love I have for those who have seen me and/or helped me get to this place.

There was a time, not too distant in my past, where I was consumed with unhappiness and depression. Fantasies of suicide filled many of my waking hours. I was convinced that my sweet toddler deserved some other mother-figure to raise her…anyone but me. And…I often would tell my husband this, breaking his heart, each and every time. He was afraid to leave me with her while he went to work and I shudder to think the type of turmoil and pain I caused him…yet, he stayed and loved me through it.

Fast-forward to today, I have joy, peace and emotional security. My weight is down, overall health is well, my daughter is a whirlwind of incredible wonder and delight, my husband loves us and my home-baking business, Fabulista Cookies is growing.

I can appreciate allllll of the suffering, pain and questioning that has happened over my lifetime and there have been many, but the smell of crisp morning air has a way of slowing me down and reminding me that God painted the sky just for me that day. I am not alone or forgotten or insignificant. I matter to those of value in my life…how could I go wrong with that?

This is not to say that I live in a wonderland of flowers talking back to me, kittens, no, it is to say that even though I have relatives that don’t acknowledge or support me, “friends” who side-eye and covet what I have and some financial hang-ups, I’m still in love with me, at 43. I’VE MADE IT so much further than an unenumerable amount of people, healthy or not and because of this, I choose to make “my day” about further appreciating others who have loved me when I was unlovable.

Sure I’m awake when my husband and daughter are soundly tucked away in bed…but not disrupting them for my own selfishness is one way of me loving and putting them first. I will likely cook a meal today rather than it being served to me, and that too is okay because I have a family to cook for who enjoys eating my food. What a gift.

I even accept birthday wishes differently because no one is obligated to well-wish you…and so when the effort is made, regardless if they remembered on their own or had a social media prompting, I’m blessed and flattered by it, not offended by the how, when and or if one even came at all….because ultimately, who cares? God wishes me a Happy Birthday each time I am able to close the day out as a family and start again together the next day.

Happy Birthday to me…you’ve come a long way baby…

I love you Kittens…make the special effort to acknowledge someone’s birthday, accomplishment or effort to reach a goal…it may be the only support they receive.

MUAH!

But I’m Coming Back…

Hello my little kittens…

As you may have seen, towards the end of the year there was a meme circulating that read,

I can completely identify…can you?

2016 changed me in that it made me a first time mother. Our daughter was 11.01lbs and 24″ (2ft) long when born. Yep, you read that right. Being 40 when I had her, it was a long time dream come true…however, the enduring postpartum depression was never factored in as a possible chapter in my story. I often felt suicidal and while nothing my daughter did bothered me, I felt as though her and my husband would be better off without me. I often fixated on how and when I meet my demise, thinking in earnest that I was doing something noble, yet still being conflicted in leaving them. Thank God He intervened. I reluctantly agreed to take anti-depressants which did help some, but I still felt like a failure for having needed them at all.

2017 absolutely broke me as I was heavily weighed down with depression, but also with 301lbs of weight. Low functioning thyroid, borderline diabetic, high prolactin levels and pregnancy all contributed…well, my delicious cooking MAY have helped as well…but let’s jut leave that part off for now.

Financially, things were a mess. I had been laid off the year before, and a month prior to finding out we were expecting. There were fluctuations in my husbands employment that made some months better than others…but that also meant that some months were just the absolute worst. With a fresh little one, it made for some added stress, not to mention the lady we had allowed to stay with us for a bit to get on her feet, was doing everything but that…yet bills were still being created.

The despair we were now in financially, emotionally and even within our family dynamic was crushing. My husband and I were often at odds, I was stuck at home, depressed, unable to work, fat and lonely. Something had to give. I reluctantly had a few sessions with a therapist that helped, but I was not completely transparent so my recovery was a bit stunted.

That light of realization glared on when I saw the pictures from our daughters 1st birthday in November. I was huge…and unattractive in MY eyes…no wonder my husband had stopped cooing lovelies to me. I was barely able to remember what the woman my husband married looked like, much less felt like. I decided to look into weight loss surgery…an absolute last straw before I imploded with grief.

2018 opened my eyes to the reminder of my strength, tenacity, fortitude and gumption. I needed to be here for my husband and daughter but even more so, I needed to be here for myself. In January of 2018, I had the Gastric Sleeve done and upon waking up in my room, instantly regretted it, wondering, WHAT HAD I DONE TO MYSELF?? It took some time for me to be okay with my decision, especially once I was able to see a face from long ago, staring back at me. While I am now down over 70lbs, I still have not hit my personal goal weight so I battle with feelings of failure and insecurity for the unforgiving changes my body has gone through. I will hopefully have a surgery that will pull some stuff up and others out…but, losing more weight before that, is at the forefront of my mind.

2019 is here and I’m coming back! I’m ready to take back what I allowed the Devil to take from me…peace of mind, security, love, joy and my purpose. If anything, I am giving my husband back the woman he married, introducing my daughter to a healthier version of her mother and am reacquainting myself with my longtime estranged friend, me.

I’m still working on my weight, selling delicious cookies from home (FabulistaCookies.com), I’m in school working towards my BS in Health Care Administration, raising my daughter, reconnecting with my husband and personal passions and I’m building multiple streams of income. WE are on our way to life recovery. I am very hopeful for our future and trust, SO MUCH MORE happened in this time frame that I have not disclosed so if you kittens reading this don’t think my journey was so bad, you only got a taste of the spoiled milk while I was drinking gallons of it.

I love you all for your love and support and want to encourage you to NEVER STOP PRAYING. Sometimes our unanswered prayers are delayed, other times they are not answered out of protection for us. God is God for a reason…let Him do His job.

Have a wonderful day kittens…and take a moment to ponder on what these last years have been like for you and what you hope for the future.

xoxox

–MEOW

Depression and Stress Taste Yucky

 

Hey kittens…

I’ve managed to muster up enough energy to check in and do a little more belly achin’.  Seems that when I’m depressed/stressed, my hands get heavy and I don’t have much of the agility needed for typing.

There’s a lot of unpleasant…basically effed up stuff going on in my world right now…and I choose ONLY YOU to talk to about it.  Even so, you kittens are only getting fragments.  That being said, the stress of it all is literally leaving a bad taste in my mouth.  Now, I’m sure it’s just stomach acid, but either way…it’s pretty damn yucky.

I kinda wish that I could do like my dog and just drag my butt across the carpet and let that solve my discomfort, but I just don’t have invisible roller skates on my butt like she does…so, I’m left to deal.

Aside from being a FABULOUS STAR (at heart), I’m also a caretaker for my disabled brother.  I have been, pretty much my entire life…well, since I was 17, is more accurate.  Even then, my brother was way more capable…but as of 2009, his health took a major dip and so I’ve been shouldering the seemingly constant changes.  He has Down Syndrome and is 54…I have…well, a lot on my plate, and I’m 36.

I’m fairly easy on the eyes, used to do music videos and pageants, some commercials and background work on tv shows and film.  I’ve never been engaged or married and I have no children.  As a matter of fact, I never moved out of the house so that I could look after my mother and brother, even though I’m the youngest of ten children.  Seems the others felt that I was Mama’s favorite and that I should then return the favor by giving up my life to look after them.  They never helped, so I never left…I couldn’t think of leaving Mama and my brother in a bad situation…and if it was bad, we would share the burden together.

When my mother passed from stomach cancer in 2007, my brother and I moved in with a sister and her husband…what a hot mess that was.  But, it taught me A LOT about what I was able to endure, and what I needed to work on.  I’ve been caring for my brother full-time since 2006 and as he gets older, the need for more care and attention increases.

We recently relocated and because we changed counties, there has been a big mess with his medical coverage and my checks for in home care taking…between that and the whole issue with my father (read, One Ticket To Fatherville, Please) and now with my FB incident (read, Cryptic Messages), and my guy now being upset with me…I can’t help but taste the yuckiness of Depression and Stress.

My only consolation is that somethings gotta give…be it for better…or for worse.  While I usually love rain, the thunder and lightening of this rain storm scares me a little. Being in the wrong place, at the wrong time can get the bah-jeez-sus shocked outta you.

Bottom line…I just need some relief…a hug…and a DAMN good one, at that.  :./

–MEOW