Pity Skype??

 

Morning Kittens….

Ever have a pity Skype session…isn’t that just the worst? I had one last night and it absolutely sucked.  I felt like I was invading his space and like he was tolerating me…uhhh, SERIOUSLY??

If there’s one thing I don’t need, is seeing a sour patch kid on the other end of the screen….watching tv, which is fine, but say SOMETHING during commercials…I mean, really?  Eventually, I was like…PEACE.

Dude can miss me twice on that….coming AND going…I mean…who does that?  Anyway, I’m going to put out the word that we need t have a talk…TONITE…and to be sure to allot enough time to do so.  Either dude gets it out in the open why he’s been short, curt, rude and so quick to get mad at me, or we need to discuss our other options…like, parting ways.

I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but DAMMIT, respect still needs to be in order. Eff that.

HISS-HISS-SCRATCH

 

–MEOW

Welcome To Irritation City…Population: 1

 

Happy Saturday, Kittens….

It’s been a few days since I checked in…and some flip-flop b.s. has been happening.  Okay…so my guy…turns out, he wasn’t mad about the FB post…or so he says…which would then mean that I fretted for nothing.  Okay…I can dig it…but the problem I’m now having, is feeling like I have to damn near beg his ass for attention.

This has been going on for some time now…you know, with the big work project he has going on…and I’ve been trying not to give him any grief…but DAMMIT…why do I have to hear about what’s going on with you thru social networking sites?  How is it that you tell me don’t have time to acknowledge my texts, or send any to me during the day…but you MAKE time to post pictures of art and tweet?!? 

My thought is…some how I’ve shimmied my way down your priority ladder and have taken a back seat to things that are of value…but should NOT be MORE valuable than your time with me.  I don’t begrudge him anything…but dammit…some days my guy has me feeling single and it’s got me thinking… have I made it too easy?  Maybe…I do tend to give a lot.

May not seem like much…but I’ve given my time, thoughts, baking skills, letters, pictures and videos to him.  They all take time and energy…thought and LOVE.

I told him last night that I believed he wasn’t emotionally invested…and didn’t think he would be until he was actually ready to propose, as opposed to just having talked about it.  He couldn’t really give me an answer aside from, “Guess time will tell…” which is something of a b.s. answer to me.  But guess what…time WILL tell, because everything has a time limit…EVERYTHING.

He said that things would go back to being more normal once he got this new position that he’s being heavily considered for…so, I’m holding him to that.  If in one month after he’s gotten the position, his ass ain’t back on track…we will have to have a serious talk that may end with me taking a walk.

I’m just TOO FABULOUS to be feeling like this, kittens…I’m a loss that no one should have to suffer…just ask my ex’s.  ;.)

-MEOW

Depression and Stress Taste Yucky

 

Hey kittens…

I’ve managed to muster up enough energy to check in and do a little more belly achin’.  Seems that when I’m depressed/stressed, my hands get heavy and I don’t have much of the agility needed for typing.

There’s a lot of unpleasant…basically effed up stuff going on in my world right now…and I choose ONLY YOU to talk to about it.  Even so, you kittens are only getting fragments.  That being said, the stress of it all is literally leaving a bad taste in my mouth.  Now, I’m sure it’s just stomach acid, but either way…it’s pretty damn yucky.

I kinda wish that I could do like my dog and just drag my butt across the carpet and let that solve my discomfort, but I just don’t have invisible roller skates on my butt like she does…so, I’m left to deal.

Aside from being a FABULOUS STAR (at heart), I’m also a caretaker for my disabled brother.  I have been, pretty much my entire life…well, since I was 17, is more accurate.  Even then, my brother was way more capable…but as of 2009, his health took a major dip and so I’ve been shouldering the seemingly constant changes.  He has Down Syndrome and is 54…I have…well, a lot on my plate, and I’m 36.

I’m fairly easy on the eyes, used to do music videos and pageants, some commercials and background work on tv shows and film.  I’ve never been engaged or married and I have no children.  As a matter of fact, I never moved out of the house so that I could look after my mother and brother, even though I’m the youngest of ten children.  Seems the others felt that I was Mama’s favorite and that I should then return the favor by giving up my life to look after them.  They never helped, so I never left…I couldn’t think of leaving Mama and my brother in a bad situation…and if it was bad, we would share the burden together.

When my mother passed from stomach cancer in 2007, my brother and I moved in with a sister and her husband…what a hot mess that was.  But, it taught me A LOT about what I was able to endure, and what I needed to work on.  I’ve been caring for my brother full-time since 2006 and as he gets older, the need for more care and attention increases.

We recently relocated and because we changed counties, there has been a big mess with his medical coverage and my checks for in home care taking…between that and the whole issue with my father (read, One Ticket To Fatherville, Please) and now with my FB incident (read, Cryptic Messages), and my guy now being upset with me…I can’t help but taste the yuckiness of Depression and Stress.

My only consolation is that somethings gotta give…be it for better…or for worse.  While I usually love rain, the thunder and lightening of this rain storm scares me a little. Being in the wrong place, at the wrong time can get the bah-jeez-sus shocked outta you.

Bottom line…I just need some relief…a hug…and a DAMN good one, at that.  :./

–MEOW

 

Cryptic Messages

 

Hey kittens…

I know it’s been a few days since I’ve checked in…and I plan to let you know all about the visit with my father, but for now, I want to talk about cryptic messages…and how while you mean for them to be on the down low, SOMEONE is bound to decode them…as was the case with me today.

I’m dating a really wonderful man…he’s a lot of what I’ve been praying for…the down side?  Right now the company he’s working for is going through a major change that he’s partially responsible to help implement.  No so bad, right?  Wrong.  His availability has greatly diminished…and on top of all of that, he lives in a different time zone which throws our timing off.

What’s even worse to me is that, we haven’t been together a very long time, but in the beginning, communication was fabulous…the attention (from both sides) was spoiling, the expressions of love through phone, skype and text were fantastic…then it ALL abruptly stopped…thanks to this project.

While I absolutely ADORE his work ethic, I absolutely HATE what this project is doing to this relationship.  In my opinion, our “honeymoon” ended waaaaaay too soon and I feel a bit resentful about it.  I love this man, and could see myself with him for the long haul, but dammit if this situation ain’t putting a damper on things.

I try and talk to him about it but we usually end up upset.  I don’t want to make him feel bad about time not spent with me because he is honoring his responsibilities, but I’m not happy.  This being the case…and me being a writer, I tend to vent in places that maybe I shouldn’t…like…Facebook.

Ok, ok, I know what you’re thinking…but I don’t put any clear details in my posts and I don’t share my business with people I’m close to, much less people that I superficially know, so I tend to feel safe with my cryptic messages.  Well, until now.

I made a post about how I was feeling last night and also mentioned my promise to remain patient until situations change and availability opened back up.  Seems safe enough, especially for someone who doesn’t know the situation, right?  Well…wrong, again.  I also added that I needed to do a better job at disconnecting so that I wouldn’t feel like I did last night.

How did I forget that I keep in contact with his father and that HE would probably catch on??  Admittedly, I wrote it in the hopes that my guy would see it in his feed and then catch a hint because me telling him wasn’t changing anything, so maybe him reading it, would.  He read it alright, and sent me a text this morning commenting on me venting on FB.

I explained that I keep my messages cryptic so that no one really knows what I’m talking about…then he brought up his dad which made me think that maybe he commented to my guy and my guy didn’t like what he had to say. Now my guy is upset with me that I’m using FB to post things that are personal in nature…said he’s going back to work and to “take care”…blah.  That’s such a polite, “eff-you”…because it is so emotionally removed.

Anyway…I don’t know what to make of things because I may or may not speak to him the rest of the day because he will be busy, and tired and maybe still upset with me. Fuck.

Be careful with those cryptic messages, kittens…they just may bite you in the ass later.

-MEOW

One Ticket To Fatherville, Please…

Morning Kittens…

While my intention had been to post something entertaining…I really feel the need to post this first.

Thursday I received a message on FB from a step-sister telling me that “our” father was not doing well and literally expected to die any day.  He’s going blind and has one blocked artery…the other is 75% closed.  His current wife was advised not to leave him alone.

I was also asked that if it were in my heart, if I would please come see him…soon.

She said this because sadly, my father and I have little to no relationship.  I’ve tried on numerous accounts throughout the years to have one…but there was either little to no interest on his behalf…or, perhaps there was some sort of fear about it.  Maybe he felt if he allowed me in, he would have to own up to certain things and the accountability was too much to shoulder…I don’t know.

He abandoned my mother and I before I was born.  Yes, I’m a child out of wedlock…however, in my mother’s defense, their plan was indeed to marry and she said that I was planned.  This, coming from a woman with 9 other children, I have to believe her as she did not need another mouth to feed otherwise…but that’s another story.

It turns out he had someone on the side who was just as pregnant as my mother…as a matter of fact, that baby was born 2 days before me.  Not sure how many months pregnant my mother was (she is now deceased), but he told her that he was going to stay with the other woman because “she needed him” and my mother was a strong woman and could take care of things whereas he feared for the health and stability of the other woman. My mother was crushed.

That really is some chicken shit stuff to pull…on anyone…but even more so on someone you supposedly love….AND…it is still questionable that any of that other womans three kids were actually his, because for some reason, my father enjoyed claiming children that weren’t his…yet, here I was…fatherless.

There’s obviously more of a story here but I’m going to fast forward up some.  I can probably count the amount of times I’ve seen my father on one hand…maybe both. There’s been a stretch of ten years that was broken when a favorite uncle died two years ago and then I saw him at the funeral.  I was nervous but open to him and he seemed thrilled to see me…allll of 20 mins.

I again tried reaching out to him with cards and the like, to no avail…and now, I get this message to see him.  I’m going this morning…even though my stomach is churning.  I don’t know what we’ll talk about because there’s not even enough superficial material to cover the 30 mins I plan to be there.  I haven’t been to his house in no less than 15 years. It’s going to take me longer to get to his house than the visit will last…my last visit.

All of my deeply rooted issues will have to remain buried, as I don’t want to send him on a guilt trip in his last days…I’d much rather deal with these problems myself…I’m much stronger, in that sense.

My bigger mission here is to talk to him about salvation as I know he’s been closed off tot he subject for YEARS…every since his own mother had an affair with a preacher (he was a child then), he’s used that excuse to exclude God from his life…without realizing that those decisions were made by two people, not God.  I fear for his eternal well-being and plan to at least broach the subject…if he rejects it, he’s not rejecting me, but God.

I wanted to bring something with me because I don’t like going to people’s houses empty-handed…but baking cookies seemed all wrong…too… “cheery”…while something practical like a loaf of bread seemed more of a “why bother” gesture.  I didn’t want to take anything too meaningful as my hearts not in that, either…so I think I’ve settled on just a box of donuts.

I will be getting myself together to leave soon…and will undoubtedly post what happened.  I trust you to keep this between you and I, Kitten…I need your support.  Nothing verbal or physical…just think of me today…and your own situation, good or bad and reflect on that.

Okay…time to buy my ticket to Fatherville…

-MEOW

You Smell Funny…

 

Hey there kittens…

I was cooking this morning when I realized how distasteful the smell of sausage is to me these days…I couldn’t quite place the smell as it didn’t smell like food…but something I had smelled before.  It took me a while and then I guessed it… it smells to me, like really…old…PEOPLE.

I really have tried to talk myself out of the thought, but I promise you, I just can’t shake it.

I’ve always been very smell conscious…always liking myself and my surroundings to smell what I deem to be good, clean and refreshing.  If anything, I probably have too many aromas going on, but I do try and make my house smell cohesive.

Ever pick up on the smells of other people’s homes, cars, rooms or areas?  Or is it just some dog senses that I have going on?  My mother used to tell me I had “dog ears” because I could easily detect very high frequency sounds.  Hmmm…

Anyway, there’s nothing like catching a bad whiff of something…and it sticking in your nose and throat…BLAH.

Okay…so this was a bit of a weird post…but who can I share things with, if not you? 🙂 Enjoy your day kittens…I will be posting again soon…and it should be somewhat entertaining…

 

–MEOW!

Old Skool Whoop-Ass…

Do you remember the days when you could either freely discipline your kids in public, or YOU were the one getting your ass whooped in the street?

I remember before we even left the house, Mama would say, “Don’t ask for nothing, don’t whine or misbehave, because if I have to leave on the account of you, I will beat the hell outta you when we get home.”  I knew she meant business and so I didn’t act up…however, there was always that rare occasion when I would lose my mind and then I got the ole’ “pinch & twist”…usually in the arm or side.  It was a signed death certificate if you even remotely reacted to the seering pain…other than stopping whatever it was you were doing to invite the punishment.

The other day I was in the store and a little girl about 7 was acting up…her Mama snatched her by her hair and redirected her whiny ass back over to the shopping cart that she had left.  I found myself cheering inside and also tickled at the memory of a few “hair journeys” I was taken on as a kid.  Surprisingly, I wasn’t the only one because rather than gasps of distaste, I heard several people nearby giggling as I had.

If there’s one thing I CAN’T STAND, it’s a child that needs a healthy dose of an ass whoopin.  I know, I know…SOME kids you can talk to and get the same result…but notice, I said SOME.  Others need that good ole’ foot in their ass or hoof to their chest (the older ones who REALLY think they’re grown), to remind them that YOU’RE the PARENT and THEY’RE the CHILD.

Think you can ruin MY shopping trip with your lil bad self?  There’s been a time or two when these little gremlins have gotten the stink eye, the “I’mma choke yo ass” hand gestures…or even a word or two in front of their parents who seemed more grateful than insulted.

Bottom line…keep your monkies in their barrel…it’s a bad reflection of you and a terrible setup for the rest of the world who is subjected to this nonsense.

So…that’s my rant about that…what do you think your reaction would have been to what I witnessed?

-MEOW!

When Doves Cry…

Hey there, Kittens…

Okay, so this morning, I was doing my usual scrolling through my FB feed to see what had been posted from the time I signed off, until I signed back in.  I came across a posting from a friend in relation to Dove soap that had me curious.

The story was about how women see themselves vs how others see them…and I have to admit, while I’m no punk, it DEFINITELY made me teary. I know how hard I can be on and about myself and it made me wonder, had I done this experiment, how different would the pics have been?

Think about yourself…male or female…what is your perception of yourself, vs what others see?  Are you under-rated?  Perhaps OVER-rated?  I’d like to think I’m kinda in the middle…but I know better.

I shared the link with my FB peeps…now I’m sharing it with you in hopes that you will give this some thought, be it about yourself, or about someone you know that struggles with their self image.

Click Here For Dove Experiment Video

Now, go kick some ass today, kittens…I’ll check back with you later…

–MEOW!

The Procrastinating Perfectionist…

I’m definitely a perfectionist…more-so in other areas of my life but apparently in my blogging world, as well.   That being the case…I can also be quite the procrastinator…which oddly enough, ties into being a perfectionist as we tend to wait until the “perfect time” to do things….only, that time never comes.

I say all that to say…as much as I wanted to start this blog, I kept fighting with myself on how to go about it.  Do I dive in…be serious, humorous, informative, urban or straight up hood about it…?

I decided to just…well…WRITE….in any tone….and then go from there.  Some note worthy person, who I can’t remember, said that a writer writes…so…I’m writing.

The reason I decided to even do this blog was because I needed a place to vent that didn’t include a personal following.  No friends, family, acquaintances or co-workers to “LIKE” or comment on what I have to say.  Chances are, a number of things I talk about will be about any of the fore mentioned people.

For a change, I simply don’t want to censor myself on the chance of possibly hurting someone’s feelings.  F*ck that.  I wanna talk freely…sometimes with symbols to soften words like f*ck…other times, I just wanna say FUCK and not have to worry about the impression I’m leaving.

I will divulge info about myself here and there….maybe.  There’s a certain freedom to blending into the wallpaper, per se’.  I love to talk, but for the most part, no one to really talk to…well, not like I plan to on here…so consider yourself privileged, dear reader…you will be getting a few gypsy coins here.

Okay…got this first post outta the way…and I’m feelin’ pretty good…let’s see what tomorrow brings…got a lot on this borderline D-Cup chest that I need to get off…

Until tomorrow…bessitos!! *kisses*

-MEOW!