In Love With Me, At 43

Good September, my sweet little kittens…

Today is a day of GRAND appreciation…I’m turning 43 today and oh, has the Lord blessed me!

Me at 3 with a cake of Wonder Woman that my mother had made. To this day, I love this icon. Can’t believe this was not only taken 40 years ago, but that I can also see my nearly 3yr old daughter staring back at me.

I would like to say that this day is all about me…but that’s not only untrue, it is unwanted. I can choose to take any day solely for myself, so this day, I choose to engulf myself in the thoughts, sentiments and love I have for those who have seen me and/or helped me get to this place.

There was a time, not too distant in my past, where I was consumed with unhappiness and depression. Fantasies of suicide filled many of my waking hours. I was convinced that my sweet toddler deserved some other mother-figure to raise her…anyone but me. And…I often would tell my husband this, breaking his heart, each and every time. He was afraid to leave me with her while he went to work and I shudder to think the type of turmoil and pain I caused him…yet, he stayed and loved me through it.

Fast-forward to today, I have joy, peace and emotional security. My weight is down, overall health is well, my daughter is a whirlwind of incredible wonder and delight, my husband loves us and my home-baking business, Fabulista Cookies is growing.

I can appreciate allllll of the suffering, pain and questioning that has happened over my lifetime and there have been many, but the smell of crisp morning air has a way of slowing me down and reminding me that God painted the sky just for me that day. I am not alone or forgotten or insignificant. I matter to those of value in my life…how could I go wrong with that?

This is not to say that I live in a wonderland of flowers talking back to me, kittens, no, it is to say that even though I have relatives that don’t acknowledge or support me, “friends” who side-eye and covet what I have and some financial hang-ups, I’m still in love with me, at 43. I’VE MADE IT so much further than an unenumerable amount of people, healthy or not and because of this, I choose to make “my day” about further appreciating others who have loved me when I was unlovable.

Sure I’m awake when my husband and daughter are soundly tucked away in bed…but not disrupting them for my own selfishness is one way of me loving and putting them first. I will likely cook a meal today rather than it being served to me, and that too is okay because I have a family to cook for who enjoys eating my food. What a gift.

I even accept birthday wishes differently because no one is obligated to well-wish you…and so when the effort is made, regardless if they remembered on their own or had a social media prompting, I’m blessed and flattered by it, not offended by the how, when and or if one even came at all….because ultimately, who cares? God wishes me a Happy Birthday each time I am able to close the day out as a family and start again together the next day.

Happy Birthday to me…you’ve come a long way baby…

I love you Kittens…make the special effort to acknowledge someone’s birthday, accomplishment or effort to reach a goal…it may be the only support they receive.

MUAH!

Busy Little Kitty

 

Afternoon Kittens…

So I’ve given up on pressuring myself to write errrry day…and now I only write when I put fingers to keys.  I know that whole deal about “Writers, write”…well, if you’re a killer, you only have to do it once to maintain that title…so…I will confidently hold onto my title as a writer.

I’m in the midst of a transitional period right now…I’ve been unemployed since Feb, I’m seeing someone…sorta, I think…I’m looking to leave my home to go and stay with a sister and to embark on the adventurous unknown.  I can only be confident, not to mention joyful, that God has me in His care and that He loves this little “mud baby” with all His heart.

Soooo, I’ve also been going to the gym…am almost 10lbs down and I’m really feelin’ myself…like seriously, you would think I had lost 40lbs the way I’ve been batting my eyes around and swingin’ these hips.  Not sure if it’s my nearly invisible 10lbs lost or the confidence I’m exuding that has been bringing all the boys to the yard, but I’ll take it.

Did I mention I damn near live in a rubberized girdle?  Mmm-hmmm…if I get to moving around too much it smells like a race track, but it keeps the extra goo tucked in a bit.  Here’s a little confession…I like when I’m working out and then I start to smell some funk…why…’cause I’m puttin in work, bay-bee!! If I can push past the layers of Degree I’ve slathered on, then I just KNOW that I’m doing something.  I joked to a trainer that I wanted to work off my grizzle (gut) and that once I got going, he was gonna smell bacon.  And that by the time I left the gym, it was gonna be smelling like IHOP in there…(sorry if I just ruined breakfast delights for you).

I’m optimistic about the days ahead, but will gladly take any donations you would like to send my way...seriously, I haven’t worked since Feb…help a sistah out, will ya? *rattles tin coffee cup*

Alright….I better do something about the stuff under the stairs that needs sorting or packing or discarding. Gotta act like I’m going to be the only ant hauling stuff in and out on moving day.  That’s surely motivation enough for me.

Okay Kittens...go be useful…do something you have been putting off before I put these (metaphorically speaking) boots to your sweet little kitty asses.  LOVE YOU!

-MEOW!