Its a late night for me, Kittens…
I don’t normally take naps, ESPECIALLY at 6:30 in the evening, that is just BEGGING for trouble…as me being up at 12:10am WIDE-AWAKE is proving. I fell asleep in full makeup…INCLUDING lashes, haha…woke up looking like I was on set of a soap opera, hah. This will make for a rough start to my busy weekend plans.
The plan is to go to a women’s expo here in Cali… LAWomensExpo.com where guest speakers Nene Leakes (Real Housewives of Atlanta, Glee) and Jackie Collins (Author) will be speaking on Sat and then Sun is Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) and Lisa Vanderpump (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). There will also be a ton of vendors and free massages and whatnot…mmmm, fancy.
Then on the way home, we (myself and my sista-girl friend, V) may stop at Mann’s Chinese Theater to support my friend and co-founder Joseph Alvarez’s Indie Nights film showcase. A few celebs come through each time to support so it’s a great night cap.
Then on Sunday, we will go to a local Home & Garden Show and see what all there is to lust over, haha….but…this is not what I really want to write about tonight.
As I was rethinking the events of this past year, and those who (including myself) contributed to some heartache, I found myself feeling particular ways about people I had “forgiven”. The more I analyzed, the more I began to question…had I truly forgiven the person/incident…or was I merely tolerating them and/or the situation?
That really made me take a moment because now the “easy to forgive” trait that I was so proud and secure in, was now in question. Did I really “deserve” such a crown of glory? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that perhaps, I had NOT forgiven them…and it made me feel a bit hypocritical.
How could I be so confident, if not secretly self righteous in my attitude, when posting quotes of forgiveness when I wasn’t doing it? Trying not to be so hard on myself, I tried to figure out a way to rectify the situation. I wanted to get to the root of the problem…and I found it.
In my quest to be loving and forgiving…I forgot to allow myself to feel. I didn’t allow myself the right to first be TRULY upset and angry. I didn’t allow gut wrenching sorrow to overtake me so that I could then let it go because I had dealt with it. No, what I had done was react, but then quickly shuffled it away to clear the air, to not have the other person feel so bad or to not let it, in my mind, fester…only it had.
Now knowing this, I am accountable for my mistakes and am responsible to fix it. My emotions and mental health, are MY responsibility. It is now up to me to relive the situation…write it out, cry it out, sh*t, FIGHT & SCREAM IT OUT, if I must…but I HAVE to acknowledge what I endured at the hands of another, how it made me feel, why it made me feel that way…and why I want to let it go. Only in doing this will I not only be free from the person, but the incident and the simmering pain because of it.
Have you done this, Kittens? Have you said, thought or believed that you had dealt with an issue or forgave a person or incident, only to find that all this time you had only been tolerating it?
If not….KUDOS to you, my sweet babies! But if you have, take heart in knowing you’re not alone and there is a way out of that. Acknowledge, Feel and Deal. Gimmie your paw, we can do this together.
Okay little ones, I’ve got some cleaning do do upstairs…while I definitely needed that nap, it done screwed me up! haha…love you all!