What Was, Ain’t No More

 

Hey Kittens

I had to paws…uh, pause, for a minute…because….well…my brother, who had Down Syndrome, who I was care taking, who had been a childhood friend, who loved me and easily forgave me and many times consoled me….passed on the 13th of this month.

While I was elated that he was free from his little broken body…my hands couldn’t find the strength or focus to say so in the one place that was safest for me to vent, and that was with all of you.  Even now, my hands feel kinda heavy, but I know that if I don’t FORCE myself to write, my mind will be swallowed up by endless thoughts and words.

So much of my life has changed in these last few days…things I longed for, such as the ability to own my time and even sleep in if I so pleased, has me feeling guilty because it came at the cost of him no longer being here.  But yet again, I have to remind myself that things aren’t meant to last always and in NO WAY would he want me to lament over any of this.

ImageI absolutely KNOW that he LOVED and ADORED me, as I did him…and that brings me the greatest sense of joy and solace to my heart.  I still sometimes feel the need to go upstairs and check on him as though none of this actually happened…but in due time, that too shall pass. I just gotta accept that what was, ain’t no more.

Hugs and kisses to ALL of my kittens…you ALL matter.

xoxox -Me

Reality Reflections

Hey Kittens…

Been trying to keep myself distracted with reality shows and I have to wonder, because you guys know I don’t get out much, but, are these situations foreign to most, or is this truly a snapshot of lives behind closed doors?

I watch a myriad of shows like Love & Hip Hop, various Real Wives, Kardashians, Rehabs, Come Backs, Pageant, Cooking, Baking, Dating, Hill Billies, Rich Kids…and on and on.  What I’m always amazed at are not only the predicaments that these people find themselves in, but their reactions and problem solving/amplifying ways.

ImageI’m all about a good show and some heightened drama…but doesn’t some of it seem just TOO over the top at times??

My heart goes out to the kids and young adults who rely on these displays for training and parenting…and as the source for understanding the world and how to navigate in it.  That throwing drinks and using as many expletives as possible are the ways to express and communicate.

What happens when the cameras capture people in a different light…not the light of stardom, but the florescent light of the unemployment office or police station?

It’s disturbing to think that reality shows capture a true fragment of our society…and if that’s the case, it all looks and smells like a heap of bubbling over hot mess.

Keep it classy, kittens…NITE!

-MEOW

Fatigue Constrictor

 

Hey Kittens…

Ever notice how constricting fatigue can be?  For someone as fabu…wait…FABULOUS as me, it can be such a downer and quite frankly, it makes me wanna kick my OWN ass, sometimes. Now, let me be clear, I’m not “lazy”…I’m really just….tired.  Aside from being a red carpet dazzler (ok, ok, in my mind…for NOW), I am a full-time caregiver to my brother who happens to be under hospice care here in my home. 

ImageI do all of his care and have been for some time.  While I think caregiving is a natural gift, it does wear on me because I have not afforded myself enough time for…well, ME.  Initially, I whole-heartedly believed that taking time for myself meant taking time AWAY from my brother and it fostered a whole lotta guilt.  I mean, how could I be so selfish….right?  WRONG.

Even though I’ve been hearing for what seems eons, to take time for me and to first care take myself, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Now don’t you dare think I’m lying or exaggerating when I say this, but, I have NOT had ONE WHOLE day to myself in almost 8 years.  Yep, you heard me, 8 years.

You see, my mother was diagnosed with stomach cancer in March of 2006 and I immediately quit my job to look after her and my brother who has Down Syndrome.  He was pretty independent in those days which helped me a lot but our mother passed in 2007 and my full on responsibilities with my brother continued…especially since I had no outside family support at the time.  We’ve since repaired relationships but during that time, it was ALL on me, and for the most part, still is.  I appreciate the emotional support…but it’s still different.

My brother had pneumonia in 2009 and ever since then he’s never been the same, experiencing a consistent decline in one form or another, up until Aug of this year when he went under Hospice. I’ve only been away from him a few hours at a time for errands or the like, but never a day away…or to myself because even if I’m here in the house, I still have to make sure he eats and gets his medicine, not to mention any cleanups that may occur…so forget sleeping in.

I love him more than there are stars in the sky, but I have definitely had my moments when I’ve questioned if I could really go on.  Graciously, God continues to renew my supply of love, patience and endurance.  Having said all that, fatigue has a way of sometime constricting me, and having been such a vibrant go-getter, it is more than annoying to be at its mercy…and, as with a constricting snake, the more I fight and resist, the tighter it’s hold becomes.  DAMMIT!

A victory today for me was, having allowed myself to be here…and do NOTHING more than the ABSOLUTE necessary…well, except that dinner run to Farmer Boy’s…that was laziness…but it was so good and hit the spot.  :)

In not doing anything, I relaxed…my body, but also my mind (for a grand change) and my spirit even seemed to have some peace.  My brother has been asleep the bulk of the day, having only eaten once, but I hear him awake now, making sounds and baby coos, as he is my own little Benjamin Button…as he reverts further to an infantile state. 

Time to close this post and tend to the greatest test of my life, thus far.  This bit of venting has taken some tension out of my shoulders as my fingertips dance and cross over these keys.  Thanks for listening, kittens…go have a cookie and some milk.

-MEOW!

Snoopy Don’t Live Here

 

Hey Kittens….

Okay, so I was watching one of my reality shows and one of the topics that came up was the perceived need to snoop into their significant others things/phone/emails to see who they were talking to and if they were cheating in any form.  My question to you is, when, if ever is it ok to snoop and in doing so, what does that say about your relationship…what does that say about you?

ImagePersonally, I have not ever snooped in my mans belongings…not even picked up his phone or ipad, even though I know the password to both.  If I felt that I couldn’t trust him, I would rather leave the relationship and have him prove me wrong in that aspect, than to go looking for something that I may or may not be ready to face.

I never want to waste my waking hours wondering about the POSSIBLE dirt someone may be doing…WHY??  Ain’t nobody got time for that!  I also feel that in doing so, it exposes a weakness in character for me, in that I don’t have enough confidence in my intuition or that I am willing to let noticeable things slide in the hopes my mind is playing tricks on me.

I also want to be clear in saying that I HAVE been cheated on before…and if you give someone enough time and freedom to speak, they will tell on themselves either in words or actions…no need to pry and wear out your fabulously cute face, frowning while you ponder and over analyze everything you encounter.

Alright Kittens, that’s enough of that for tonight…I have to say, after taking off my bra after a long day, removing my wig or ponytail comes in a super close second, hah…  :D

Stay FABULOUS!

-MEOW!

The Pain of Detox

Soooo, like most people on the, “New Me” venture at this time of the year, I have vowed to get myself, including my health, in order. To do this, I’m weaning myself off of flour, carbs and refined sugar.  I’ve done it before but it’s been a while so of course by body is getting all buckwild and acting like I took a flame to my bare skin.  Not that I’m over heating…but my head is pounding and cussing me out something fierce!

I’m not a drinker so I have NO IDEA how drinkers handle hangovers…y’all are TOO CRAZY to do this over and over again. 

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Okay, I started this entry yesterday and never finished and now I feel like a weenie because I write this while sipping on some Coke Zero and eating some tacos (I asked for crunchy and got soft ones, grrr!!).  I saw this pic on FB about a 3-day diet…and laughed….little did I know that this would totally be me…GRRRR #2.

On top of everything, I have been taking some hair growth supplements and I’m pretty sure it’s been giving me a tender scalp and when I say my head is TENDER…I mean it is TENDER….like even too many thoughts make it hurt.

ImageOk, so I just had an oatmeal cookie from Starbucks and am about to have a choc chip one with my tea.  Sigh.  I feel like a hot mess and tomorrow have to start from scratch so of course I’m mentally beating myself up for not making it past the 3-day mark.  I think what bothers me more is knowing that I’m CAPABLE of doing it because I have before.

Well, I think I will shut it down and further lament before bed…oh, before I go, I talked to a relative last night and he told me about his colonic experience and HIGHLY recommended it and so I am considering it.  Have you ever had this done? What was your experience like?

Okay kittens…enough already…oh yeah, turns out the tacos were crunchy…well, originally….the problem was I waited too long to eat them so they got a little soggy…my bad.  Ugh.

Smooches…MEOW!

Heeeeeey Kittens….I’m Baaaack!

Hey Kittens…

Wow…so 2014 is FINALLY here…are you excited?  I know I am…and for the most part, people look forward to the “new”…whatever that may be at the time.  New job, new baby, new house, new car, new body…NEW.  But of course, as with anything that is new, and then…not so new anymore, we tend to lose our enthusiasm for the thing as that “new car smell” wears off.

How do you intend to stay motivated this year?

For me, I have decided to fore-go the traditional failure trap of setting definitive time frames.  For example…if I said I wanted to lose 30lbs by June, but only lose 28…I’m going to feel like I failed at meeting my goal and won’t appreciate the 28lbs that I burned off of my frame.  Instead, ALL of 2014 is an open skyline to fill as opportunity presents its self.

I have also sworn off the, (in my opinion), useless RESOLUTION verbiage.  In it’s place, I have decided to rename the whole New Year, New Me deal as my NPOA… my New Plan of Action.  So this year, my NPOA is to regain lost confidence in all aspects of my life.  Be it in self image, relationships, finances, health and/or education goals.

imagesI’m too talented, gifted, charismatic, funny and good natured to allow myself to be lost in the shadows, hiding myself from the very things that have either brought me joy or strengthened my spine.

I encourage you Kittens to truly think about the depleted areas in your life and to consider rebuilding them…in an open time frame.  That lax in time doesn’t grant you permission to be lazy and procrastinate…it just offers some cushion for you to adjust and not set yourself up for failure.

My shooting star wish for you is that you will see the seeds of greatness in your spirit.  But as with all seeds, they must be watered and protected because them nasty hater birds would gladly take what doesn’t belong to them, even if it IS your fault that you have neglected them.  Be your dreams biggest advocate…and rule in 2014.

I love you kittens…stick with me this year so that we can grow together.  I may just post some video entries, too.

MEOW!

A Gamble…or A Raffle?

Morning my little Kittens…

In light of the whole Powerball craze…(as of this writing, it is up to 400 million)…I was thinking…is playing the lotto really gambling, or participating in a raffle?  I mean, what’s the true difference between the two?

Why is that if the church, school or community sells tickets to win a prize, (cash or otherwise), it’s called a raffle…but when the state sells tickets for a monetary prize, it’s called gambling?

ImageThe definition of a lotto is a game of chance where you or a machine select numbers and you win a prize if the numbers are picked in a random drawing.

The definition of a raffle is a contest where each ticket or entry gives someone a chance to win.

 

I don’t see a difference….do you?

Kiss*Kiss*Kittens

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