Busy Little Kitty

 

Afternoon Kittens…

So I’ve given up on pressuring myself to write errrry day…and now I only write when I put fingers to keys.  I know that whole deal about “Writers, write”…well, if you’re a killer, you only have to do it once to maintain that title…so…I will confidently hold onto my title as a writer.

I’m in the midst of a transitional period right now…I’ve been unemployed since Feb, I’m seeing someone…sorta, I think…I’m looking to leave my home to go and stay with a sister and to embark on the adventurous unknown.  I can only be confident, not to mention joyful, that God has me in His care and that He loves this little “mud baby” with all His heart.

Soooo, I’ve also been going to the gym…am almost 10lbs down and I’m really feelin’ myself…like seriously, you would think I had lost 40lbs the way I’ve been batting my eyes around and swingin’ these hips.  Not sure if it’s my nearly invisible 10lbs lost or the confidence I’m exuding that has been bringing all the boys to the yard, but I’ll take it.

Did I mention I damn near live in a rubberized girdle?  Mmm-hmmm…if I get to moving around too much it smells like a race track, but it keeps the extra goo tucked in a bit.  Here’s a little confession…I like when I’m working out and then I start to smell some funk…why…’cause I’m puttin in work, bay-bee!! If I can push past the layers of Degree I’ve slathered on, then I just KNOW that I’m doing something.  I joked to a trainer that I wanted to work off my grizzle (gut) and that once I got going, he was gonna smell bacon.  And that by the time I left the gym, it was gonna be smelling like IHOP in there…(sorry if I just ruined breakfast delights for you).

I’m optimistic about the days ahead, but will gladly take any donations you would like to send my way...seriously, I haven’t worked since Feb…help a sistah out, will ya? *rattles tin coffee cup*

Alright….I better do something about the stuff under the stairs that needs sorting or packing or discarding. Gotta act like I’m going to be the only ant hauling stuff in and out on moving day.  That’s surely motivation enough for me.

Okay Kittens...go be useful…do something you have been putting off before I put these (metaphorically speaking) boots to your sweet little kitty asses.  LOVE YOU!

-MEOW!

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I Will Write Everyday, She Said…

Precious Kittens!

Don’t you just hate it when you put in an order to do something and then you quickly stray?  Boooo!  I said I was going to make the effort to write everyday and haven’t.  I’ve had some REALLY good topics, too…but it seems that the more I need to write and get some emotions off of my chest, the less able I am to get it together and get these fingers moving.

My boyfriend and I, of over a year, broke up about 3 wks after the passing of my brother who I had been caring for.  We remained “friends” but as of recently, he decided that he didn’t want that, either.  Ummmm, ok.

So now we are “estranged”….even said for me to stop contacting his family, which really hurt me, considering I haven’t done anything to warrant such a reaction, but ultimately, that’s HIS family.  I have, however, become BFF’s with one of his best friends and she and I love each other like sisters.  It doesn’t interfere with either relationship, so that’s good.

For all of my efforts and qualifications, I can’t seem to secure any work where I am so I will be going to share space with a sister who recently lost her husband.  I will help her get her home in order and she will  provide housing until I can find a job and then hopefully next year, I will move and be on my way to another phase of my life.

this girl (2014_04_02 19_02_53 UTC)

An ex-boyfriend that I’ve known for nearly 10 years, has come back into my life and love has begun to rekindle.  He’s been working on issues that we had in the past and I’m really liking where this is going…

I have found it is so much better to not make promises, rather than make them and break them.  Seems pretty obvious, but it’s something that I’ve taken for granted…until I was the one who broke them and felt what it was like to be on the offending side.

When I move, I will be closer to Long Beach and will have several beaches in the area to choose from.  I love the beach…and how it obeys God in traveling just so far, everyday, all day long.  It makes no sense for a body of water to do what it does.

While I’m definitely going to miss my beautiful, cozy, safe home…I look at it as a gift that GOD granted me…a loaner until my next assignment in life.  Who knows what my home will be like after I leave my sisters…but I’m so grateful for what I have now.  Not many people can say their first home was so sweet.

Who ever moves here after me will have a welcoming space with great energy.  My personal mantra is to leave every place I’ve been in better condition than it was when I got there.  So far, I have honored this…maintain a standard of excellence, kittens.

Anyway, I’m off to clean the kitchen and sort through more of the excess stuff I have.  I refuse to cart around stuff I have no use for.  Clear the clutter!

Bunch of hugs and kiss, little ones

xoxox

-MEOW!

Faux Forgiveness

 

Its a late night for me, Kittens

I don’t normally take naps, ESPECIALLY at 6:30 in the evening, that is just BEGGING for trouble…as me being up at 12:10am WIDE-AWAKE is proving.  I fell asleep in full makeup…INCLUDING lashes, haha…woke up looking like I was on set of a soap opera, hah.  This will make for a rough start to my busy weekend plans.

The plan is to go to a women’s expo here in Cali… LAWomensExpo.com where guest speakers Nene Leakes (Real Housewives of Atlanta, Glee) and Jackie Collins (Author) will be speaking on Sat and then Sun is Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) and Lisa Vanderpump (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). There will also be a ton of vendors and free massages and whatnot…mmmm, fancy.

Then on the way home, we (myself and my sista-girl friend, V) may stop at Mann’s Chinese Theater to support my friend and co-founder Joseph Alvarez’s Indie Nights film showcase.  A few celebs come through each time to support so it’s a great night cap.

Then on Sunday, we will go to a local Home & Garden Show and see what all there is to lust over, haha….but…this is not what I really want to write about tonight.

As I was rethinking the events of this past year, and those who (including myself) contributed to some heartache, I found myself feeling particular ways about people I had “forgiven”.  The more I analyzed, the more I began to question…had I truly forgiven the person/incident…or was I merely tolerating them and/or the situation?

df9e2241ce8496a084aaabbc48450a72That really made me take a moment because now the “easy to forgive” trait that I was so proud and secure in, was now in question.  Did I really “deserve” such a crown of glory?  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that perhaps, I had NOT forgiven them…and it made me feel a bit hypocritical.

How could I be so confident, if not secretly self righteous in my attitude, when posting quotes of forgiveness when I wasn’t doing it?  Trying not to be so hard on myself, I tried to figure out a way to rectify the situation.  I wanted to get to the root of the problem…and I found it.

forgiveness

In my quest to be loving and forgiving…I forgot to allow myself to feel.  I didn’t allow myself the right to first be TRULY upset and angry.  I didn’t allow gut wrenching sorrow to overtake me so that I could then let it go because I had dealt with it.  No, what I had done was react, but then quickly shuffled it away to clear the air, to not have the other person feel so bad or to not let it, in my mind, fester…only it had.

grudge

Now knowing this, I am accountable for my mistakes and am responsible to fix it. My emotions and mental health, are MY responsibility.  It is now up to me to relive the situation…write it out, cry it out, sh*t, FIGHT & SCREAM IT OUT, if I must…but I HAVE to acknowledge what I endured at the hands of another, how it made me feel, why it made me feel that way…and why I want to let it go.  Only in doing this will I not only be free from the person, but the incident and the simmering pain because of it.

Have you done this, Kittens?  Have you said, thought or believed  that you had dealt with an issue or forgave a person or incident, only to find that all this time you had only been tolerating it?

If not….KUDOS to you, my sweet babies! But if you have, take heart in knowing you’re not alone and there is a way out of that.  Acknowledge, Feel and Deal. Gimmie your paw, we can do this together.

memory ln

Okay little ones, I’ve got some cleaning do do upstairs…while I definitely needed that nap, it done screwed me up! haha…love you all!

-MEOW!

In Tha Mix

 

Hey my sweet little Kittens

Today was a MUCH better day for me and I felt inspired to bake.  This is a favorite past time of  mine so it was a delight.  I have really been getting into the decorating of sugar cookies…you know, all cute-like.

I have some new cutters that I’ve been wanting to test out…some big, some small…and I will post pics of them decorated when they are done.  Decided to leave that for either Sunday or a really cool morning or night. We have a bit of a heatwave going on which begs to question WHY was I baking mid-day when it was 99 degrees…literally.

Anyway…I have a standard magical cookie recipe that I use as a base for my other cookies…but I have yet to develop my own for sugar cookies.  This is all a bit new because some want you to chill the dough, others are adamant about keeping it room temp…there’s still a bunch of trial and error involved.  The success of the cookie is USUALLY in tha mix…but that’s not always the ultimate deciding factor.

Today I made two different batches and oddly, to me. the first one (room temp) smelled like wet dog when it came out of the oven…not exactly the aroma I was hoping for…

Easter Sugar Cookies

Easter Sugar Cookies

The chilled dough wasn’t as sweet smelling as another batch I had made weeks ago where I tinkered with the recipe adding a dash of this and a pinch of that.  As a matter of fact, it was around Easter because I made butterfly and bunny cookies.  They were firm, yet soft and chewy…only they had some bubble tops…gotta work on that.

 

So once I decorate these (hummingbirds, butterflies, crescent moons, layered cakes, state of Texas, corsets and panties), I will post pics and then take a taste test.  My neighbors are usually the beneficiaries of my confections so perhaps I will add some comment cards to see which they preferred…then again, most people will either NOT want to eat them because, “they’re too cute to eat”…or they will just scarf them and then look at me sheepishly, realizing mere seconds passed between the hand off and the last swallow, hah.

Okay Kittens…be good and Mama Kat just may give you a cookie…or ten.

LOVE U!!!

-MEOW

Secretly UnSettled

 

My Sweet Kittens…

Today is not one of my better days.

Some of you may remember that in Feb of this year, my brother who I had been taking care of most of my adult life, passed.  He had a very special place in my heart because not only did we grow up together, he used to care for me when I was little…oh yeah, he also had Down Syndrome.  In addition to my brother’s passing, in Oct of last year, my father passed…and took some fond memories of my mother, with him.

I had been estranged from my father for most of my life…and because of it, I developed many issues that a lot of young girls have when a father isn’t present. I believed myself to be “less-than”, not worth the effort, rejected, abandoned and as though something about me was deficient. Why else would he stay away and purposefully deny a broken heartrelationship with me?

Turns out, that wasn’t entirely the case.  My father, being the pack rat that he was, furnished letters he received from my mother, as well as cancelled checks for money he had given her over the years…for me.

Imagine my gut wrenching despair as the realization of betrayal from the ONE person I trusted whole-heartedly, settled in.  The one I gave my all to…who I lived with after high-school to help with finances, who I gave up on my dreams for to look after in her older years (she was 41 when she had me), who I quit my job for to become her full time care giver when she was diagnosed with cancer, who I advocated for, who I became an honorary nurse for through her recovery and then progression into hospice.  The woman whose hand I held as she literally took her last breath.  My mother…my #1 fan….my #1 betrayer.

Saying I was crushed did not do my feelings justice.  Saying my spirit was pierced to it’s core, perhaps is more apt. I had just been given a death sentence to knowledge I THOUGHT that I had of who my mother truly was. I had just lost her…for a second time. Granted, there are many things…WONDERFUL and RESPECTFUL things about my mother that I still hold dear…but this one aspect…I could not love her for.

12878564-loneliness-sadness-shy-or-crying-personWhile I forgive her for operating through possible fear of losing the person that she felt was all she had, it cost me SO MUCH.  I don’t understand how she could look at me and hold me and sympathize with me about my father’s seemingly lack of interest in me, all the while keeping in contact with him.  I never knew because as a stay at home mom, she was present for incoming/outgoing mail, whereas, I was not.

She KNEW the tears, the feelings of rejection and lowered self-esteem because of it…and she allowed it.  Why? Perhaps because it encouraged me to further cling to her and soothe her own insecurities and fears. Part of me wishes she were her to confront her…part of me is glad she isn’t.

This situation, amongst the MANY others that occurred this year, have my head in a place it doesn’t need to be…in an emotional tornado. Even though my spirit is bruised and my heart trampled…I still put on that happy face for others.

I try to be the light that many others are missing in their life.  I always think of the very real possibility that I may be the ONLY smile or greeting they receive that day.  You never know what someone is fighting thru…why add to the pain of another?

struggle

The nutshell of this story (of which more will come later), is that I am Secretly Unsettled… because I don’t want my hurt to be someone else’s burden.  I feel that even in my lowest, there is still fight in me…and God says that the faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains.  I have, at the very least, that much faith.

Anyway Kittens…it’s done my heart good to get some venting done…like I said, there’s more to share…but that’s all for right now.

Hugs & Kisses…

-MEOW

 

Social Media Two-Faced?

 

Morning Kittens…

I know most, if not ALL of you have seen the video of Beyonce’s sister, Solange, going ape sh*t on Jay-Z in dragonan elevator.  Like many of you, I not only was shocked at her going all HAM on him, but really, REALLY wanted a taste of the dialog…and not the silly voice overs people have been posting, hah.  I want the REAL stuff.  Why did Bey give less than  a fraction of an effort to get in between or really stop the situation?  Was Solange defending her sister in some manner…was it more personal between her and Jay?


Knowing how private this couple is, unless Solange speaks out on it, we’ll never know.  And…truth be told, that’s ok.  It’s NONE of OUR business.

I saw sooooo many memes on facebook about the incident…some were sucky, others, really funny…and I chose to repost them.  Of course, this leads to the continuation of a problem or situation…fueling the fire, per se’.  Considering the fact that I like both artists, (Bey & Jay), am I being two-faced in the promotion of their embarrassment, or is it expected to have the public feast on this fodder?

We all know that ebeyven the most scandalous of events eventually die down, so one so silly as this will be a flash in the pan…but again I ask, is it two-faced of fans, admirers and otherwise supporters, to repost images and sayings that we would not hand off or show the person if they were next to us?

It’s really made me wonder and yes, I have them here again…but…they ARE funny…if only to ME.

I vow to be more aware of how I’m feeding into a frenzy…and will practice restraint in doing the very thing I wouldn’t want done to me.  But all things considered, even on their worst day, the masses still envy them and most would probably want their lives.

After this is over, they will continue eating, sleeping and living well…so ultimately, who is having the last laugh?

Okay Kittens, time for some self reflecting…you know I love you to pieces!  MUAH!

auntie

xoxox – MEOW

Back Again, For The First Time…

 

Hey there, Kittens

Ohhh, how I’ve missed you!  There have been just sooooo many changes in my life this past year and I’m just not sure what to address first.  It feels like I’m back again….for the first time…did you get that? haha…  I will say that every morning I wake up thinking that I HAVE to get back to writing, but until today, it hadn’t happened.  So, before I really get into anything deep, let me just tap my paw back in and find my voice again…my comfort spot, so to speak, so that I can just let it flow.

I finally addressed my little back patio and am pleased to see how it’s coming along…been gettin’ some ideas from Pintrest (which I avoided for as long as I could…now, I’m hooked!!) and just exploring some of my own ideas.  It’s slowly coming together, but I like where it’s headed.  I guess it’s truly been a while since I’ve let my fingers do the talking because they are stuttering all over this keyboard with typos.  My fingertips have steadily been kissing that DELETE button…ugh.

cat 1I loooooove baking (really, ANYTHING creative) and I’m getting into sugar cookie decoration.  Not just regular ole icing, but stuff that takes some time and that I get the joy and irritation of hearing people say they are too pretty to eat…so they don’t. Grrr.  I’ll have you know, they are absolutely delish and they are MADE to be EATEN.  Enjoy!  It’s my pleasure to see my hours of work demolished by your sugar lust, hah.

So anyway…I’m just gettin’ back to my blog…the goal is to write “everyday“…but we know what can happen with those sorts of plans, hah.

Thanks for stickin’ around, Kittens…it’s gonna only get better!

-MEOW!

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